what i'm thinking about....

so...i'm alone. completely alone. it's okay. i like it and i don't have many opportunities to be alone, so it's a good thing! i've got this, i don't want to call it a rule, but i guess it is, that i don't watch scary movies when i'm going to be alone. so when i found out the movie choice tonight was a scary one i decided to opt out. houses make enough noises to make me nervous on my own and i don't need my imagination to get all wound up and make things even worse. i've only broken that rule once and i was housesitting in the middle of no where in a very big house and i saw blair witch project at the theater. not really all that scary, but walking into that big dark house at midnight was quite nerve wracking. so i stick to this standard and guard my heart even if it seems silly. that's not the point of my blog though. that's just the beginning to tell you how i happen to be alone. and how i have this time to think about and speak what's been on my mind.
i read an amazing book called the shack. it was really good and made me think about so many things. the love of God. the grace of God. how much i looked forward to reading that book, but struggle with consistently reading the Bible. about how selfish and insecure i really am. i think the hardest lesson that i'll ever learn....if i ever learn it...will be that it's not all about me. i so often think it is....and it's not! i get so caught up in, well, me that i must miss out on things that God has for me. chances to help others in their own pain or even just the chance to just be who i truly am and be free in that. if it's not all about me and i'm not caught up in myself imagine what kind of person i would be! there's a lyric on the hillsong cd that says "i know i'm filled up to be emptied again. the seed i've received i must sow." (i heard it just now...thought i'd share) i've also been thinking about rights....what rights do i have? what right do i have to hold on to hurt that people have caused me? what right do i have to be angry with them still? to not love them as Jesus would and does? and by holding on to these precious rights...what kind of pain am i causing myself in the present? all that is in the past, but by clinging to what should or shouldn't be or how i have the right to be treated a certain way...that stuff is in the here and now. and i let that cause me pain...not them, but me.
the youth had a worship night tonight (i know...i'm not a youth! but they let me sneak in to stuff) and it was really, really good. more than that it was amazing! i love how God is. i love who God is! i love God!!! :) i didn't realize until tonight how long it has been since i've said that with passion and like i truly mean it. don't get me wrong, i've told him i love him recently...quite frequently actually, but it had lost it's zeal. it was more something i said.... like you know how sometimes you just say "i love you" to a parent or someone close to you kind of out of habit? and then something happens that reminds you of just how special that person is to you and the next time you say "i love you" to them the meaning is stronger than ever before? it's like that. tonight...tonight i was able to say that i love him and mean it. i'm so thankful for that! he is soooo amazing and wonderful and incredible and overwhelming (in a good way) and mind boggling and captivating and exquisite!! and i do....i love him!
so....that's what's on my mind. little bit rambly still lots to write about, but that will be for another time. now i'm going to read a story about the greatest love ever!!!