*Happy New Year*

Soooo....I totally had one of those moments tonight. You know the one I'm talking about. The one you see in a movie where everyone else is moving in slow motion and one person looks around the room and is amazed by the people they're surrounded by....that one. As we karaoked our way into 2009, I gazed at people that I love and cherish in my life...many were missing...but there were enough of them there to bring to mind memories that created that moment. These are the people that choose to share their life with me and I choose to share mine with them. The joys and the hurts, the laughter and the tears, the hopes and disappointments...all of it. And even when things don't go right or we're upset with each other...we still love each other and would do anything for one another. There's not a lot more a girl could ask for.

it happened again...

...another year flew by and I'm now another year older. But hopefully that's not all that's different. I hope that I'm a little more loving, a little more benevolent, more mature (in a good way) and more sure of who I am than I was at this time last year. I hope that I'm more patient, offer more grace to others and love God more than I ever have before. I want to never stop growing, never stop moving, never stop being challenged or being challenging ;) I want to think of others more highly than myself (hard), be financially responsible (harder?) and not live a shallow life filled with petty details. I want my life to count. To matter. To mean something. At the end of the day I want to know that what I've done...what I've given...what I've said...whatever it may have been really effected the people around me in a positive way. In a Godly way. I want people to see God in me. Whether they recognize that it's him at first or not, I want them to see him in my life. In my love. In my actions. In my words. A little more each day. A lot more each year. I hope. I want. I pray.

what i'm thinking about....

so...i'm alone. completely alone. it's okay. i like it and i don't have many opportunities to be alone, so it's a good thing! i've got this, i don't want to call it a rule, but i guess it is, that i don't watch scary movies when i'm going to be alone. so when i found out the movie choice tonight was a scary one i decided to opt out. houses make enough noises to make me nervous on my own and i don't need my imagination to get all wound up and make things even worse. i've only broken that rule once and i was housesitting in the middle of no where in a very big house and i saw blair witch project at the theater. not really all that scary, but walking into that big dark house at midnight was quite nerve wracking. so i stick to this standard and guard my heart even if it seems silly. that's not the point of my blog though. that's just the beginning to tell you how i happen to be alone. and how i have this time to think about and speak what's been on my mind.
i read an amazing book called the shack. it was really good and made me think about so many things. the love of God. the grace of God. how much i looked forward to reading that book, but struggle with consistently reading the Bible. about how selfish and insecure i really am. i think the hardest lesson that i'll ever learn....if i ever learn it...will be that it's not all about me. i so often think it is....and it's not! i get so caught up in, well, me that i must miss out on things that God has for me. chances to help others in their own pain or even just the chance to just be who i truly am and be free in that. if it's not all about me and i'm not caught up in myself imagine what kind of person i would be! there's a lyric on the hillsong cd that says "i know i'm filled up to be emptied again. the seed i've received i must sow." (i heard it just now...thought i'd share) i've also been thinking about rights....what rights do i have? what right do i have to hold on to hurt that people have caused me? what right do i have to be angry with them still? to not love them as Jesus would and does? and by holding on to these precious rights...what kind of pain am i causing myself in the present? all that is in the past, but by clinging to what should or shouldn't be or how i have the right to be treated a certain way...that stuff is in the here and now. and i let that cause me pain...not them, but me.
the youth had a worship night tonight (i know...i'm not a youth! but they let me sneak in to stuff) and it was really, really good. more than that it was amazing! i love how God is. i love who God is! i love God!!! :) i didn't realize until tonight how long it has been since i've said that with passion and like i truly mean it. don't get me wrong, i've told him i love him recently...quite frequently actually, but it had lost it's zeal. it was more something i said.... like you know how sometimes you just say "i love you" to a parent or someone close to you kind of out of habit? and then something happens that reminds you of just how special that person is to you and the next time you say "i love you" to them the meaning is stronger than ever before? it's like that. tonight...tonight i was able to say that i love him and mean it. i'm so thankful for that! he is soooo amazing and wonderful and incredible and overwhelming (in a good way) and mind boggling and captivating and exquisite!! and i do....i love him!
so....that's what's on my mind. little bit rambly still lots to write about, but that will be for another time. now i'm going to read a story about the greatest love ever!!!

so many...

so many thoughts and i'm not going to tell you what they are....boo yah!

off to the windy city!

tomorrow morning i leave for chicago!!! i'm soooo excited!! we're flying...and although i'm excited about that...i'm also a little sad! i loooove a car trip! being able to throw things in the trunk at the last minute (extra sweater, shoes, book...whatever), singing at the top of your lungs on your way to where ever you're going and great conversation with friends is something that i will definitely miss on our 45 minute flight...lol!! i've never been to chicago before...well, i've been to the city for dinner, but i've never actually spent time there. i'm very excited to see things that i've heard people talk about so much and hope we do some sort of historical tour! i love stuff like that!! and i'll have to stop and look at all the historical marker signs while we're walking around :) soooo....that's my big news! i'll be back in town on sunday and will blog about all the city fun that i've had :)

blonde moment!

okay...so, i'm going to tell on myself here...just because it's funny and i can take it ;) we have emergency drills at work and when a drill is happening if i'm at the front desk i'm responsible for making whatever overhead announcement is necessary...so, here's the funny stuff....
we had a tornado drill today and someone called me from the PT room to let me know that they had just seen "a big black funnel cloud". i was sooo excited to see an actual funnel cloud that i yelled "SHUT UP!!! Where?!?!" into the phone...lol! the person on the other line immediately started cracking up and i realized that it was a drill and i needed to make the announcement and not go funnel cloud hunting!!!

bloggity blog

i have to laugh at how God works sometimes. i was on my way to my blog to talk about (complain) about how i feel so far away from him right now, when i read my previous post and the scripture(s) with it and realized that we're not far away from each other at all! He's right here with me and he loves me and that's more than enough for me :) in the Bible God talks about "remembering" things alot and that's part of the reason i think journaling is so important. i remember we've already had this conversation and i don't need to go through all of it again because i've been there and i don't want to go back! he's already proven himself faithful in this, so there's no reason to doubt or worry or fret or get all crazy about it :)

Speaking of "more than enough for me"...that's a phrase that's really been working me over lately. It's in the song Healer and every time I sing it my heart is being opened more and more to the fact that God truly is more than enough for me. Not almost or just barely, but overflowingly, unable to hold it all in enough for me! That means change for me...changes in my expecations of other people and things because people and things will never ever be more than enough for me, but he will!!!

See Tam...I blog once in a loooong while! <3