sometimes...

You know how sometimes you listen to a sermon or a podcast or read a book and what is being said applies to you, but you feel like you're doing okay with whatever's being talked about. Like you've got whatever he's saying down already (as if!). So you listen and nod at the right moments and laugh at the silly stories that the preacher man is telling to draw a parallel to whatever gospel truth he's presenting at the time. And you're almost there...you've almost made it through the whole thing and you've agreed with all that he's said and you're feeling pretty good about yourself and he's about to pray. And then...it happens. That man, the one delivering God's truth to you at the moment...well, he rocks your world by saying "If you're not seeking the Kingdom first, then you're not seeking the Kingdom at all". And suddenly your "Godly" ego deflates, your I'm a Good Christian button loses it's gleam and your soul...your soul immediately cries out for forgiveness. Think about that and the simple truth that is in that statement. If you're not seeking the Kingdom first, then you can't be seeking it at all. More than likely (in my case for instance) it means that I'm seeking my own will and desires first, before God's. It basically means that I think of myself, my plans, and my own wants as more important than God's plans or desires for my life...and not just my life, but for the lives of the people that I interact with daily. If I'm truly seeking His Kingdom first, wouldn't I be a more loving, compassionate, generous person...caring less about what others think about me and being who God wants me to be no matter what? Wouldn't people notice more of a difference in me? Wouldn't they see a true representation of the people that God calls his church to be? That's my prayer...to truly seek God's Kingdom first...not mine, not my culture's, but
God's...because if I'm not then what I do isn't really worth much of anything....

perfect

Tonight I sat under a vast expanse of the night sky and looked at your creation. The stars seemed to be alive against their dark backdrop. The clouds slowly crept in. The sounds of this part of the world settling in for an evening of rest. I let my soul pick the song to sing...it was You are so Beautiful to Me. I actually began singing it when I stepped out of my car and looked up, and continued to have it in my head as I lay on the patio thinking of how amazing you are and how amazing the things you do are. I laid open my heart to you and in a place of contenment told you how wonderful I think you are. Holy, pure, just, loving, merciful Lord and friend. Creative and amazing...I will never cease to be fascinated by what you have created, by how you reveal yourself to me time and time again....in nature, in your people, in my family and the friends that you have placed in my life...each telling a story of you. Of your design and passion and creativity. All I have to do is look closely enough to see it and I will.

why can't i have that?

Okay, so I know....I know lots of stuff. I know that all things work to the good of all those that love God. I know that God has plans for my life and he knows what they are...I just don't know what they are and sometimes that can be frustrating! It's just that lately I've had this intense longing for a family of my own. I look around and all these people that are my age are married and starting (or well into starting) their own families and I want that. I really do....I know it's not easy and I know that maybe sometimes they're as jealous of me as I am of them, but that's what I want....it's what I desire and I have to admit that I don't see it happening any time soon. I'm not trying to be a downer about it and I do believe that God will give me the desires of my heart and that his timing is perfect, but I have to admit that I want it sooner than later and sometimes I really want to act like a 2 year old and stomp my feet and yell about how unfair it all is! I would, too, but I know it won't get me anywhere and maybe it is fair...at least my options are still open, there's alot of things that I can do that people with families and more responsibilities than I can't do. So, I will do my best to take full advantage of my singleness while I have it and know that the one that God has for me is somewhere near and that (hopefully) I will have a little family of my own to love and care for and until then, I will love and care for the children that are already in my life!!!

????

Find out who you are & do it on purpose...when you strip away everyone else's expectations of you, who are you? Do you even know? Have you lost yourself and you don't even know it??