what i'm thinking about....

so...i'm alone. completely alone. it's okay. i like it and i don't have many opportunities to be alone, so it's a good thing! i've got this, i don't want to call it a rule, but i guess it is, that i don't watch scary movies when i'm going to be alone. so when i found out the movie choice tonight was a scary one i decided to opt out. houses make enough noises to make me nervous on my own and i don't need my imagination to get all wound up and make things even worse. i've only broken that rule once and i was housesitting in the middle of no where in a very big house and i saw blair witch project at the theater. not really all that scary, but walking into that big dark house at midnight was quite nerve wracking. so i stick to this standard and guard my heart even if it seems silly. that's not the point of my blog though. that's just the beginning to tell you how i happen to be alone. and how i have this time to think about and speak what's been on my mind.
i read an amazing book called the shack. it was really good and made me think about so many things. the love of God. the grace of God. how much i looked forward to reading that book, but struggle with consistently reading the Bible. about how selfish and insecure i really am. i think the hardest lesson that i'll ever learn....if i ever learn it...will be that it's not all about me. i so often think it is....and it's not! i get so caught up in, well, me that i must miss out on things that God has for me. chances to help others in their own pain or even just the chance to just be who i truly am and be free in that. if it's not all about me and i'm not caught up in myself imagine what kind of person i would be! there's a lyric on the hillsong cd that says "i know i'm filled up to be emptied again. the seed i've received i must sow." (i heard it just now...thought i'd share) i've also been thinking about rights....what rights do i have? what right do i have to hold on to hurt that people have caused me? what right do i have to be angry with them still? to not love them as Jesus would and does? and by holding on to these precious rights...what kind of pain am i causing myself in the present? all that is in the past, but by clinging to what should or shouldn't be or how i have the right to be treated a certain way...that stuff is in the here and now. and i let that cause me pain...not them, but me.
the youth had a worship night tonight (i know...i'm not a youth! but they let me sneak in to stuff) and it was really, really good. more than that it was amazing! i love how God is. i love who God is! i love God!!! :) i didn't realize until tonight how long it has been since i've said that with passion and like i truly mean it. don't get me wrong, i've told him i love him recently...quite frequently actually, but it had lost it's zeal. it was more something i said.... like you know how sometimes you just say "i love you" to a parent or someone close to you kind of out of habit? and then something happens that reminds you of just how special that person is to you and the next time you say "i love you" to them the meaning is stronger than ever before? it's like that. tonight...tonight i was able to say that i love him and mean it. i'm so thankful for that! he is soooo amazing and wonderful and incredible and overwhelming (in a good way) and mind boggling and captivating and exquisite!! and i do....i love him!
so....that's what's on my mind. little bit rambly still lots to write about, but that will be for another time. now i'm going to read a story about the greatest love ever!!!

so many...

so many thoughts and i'm not going to tell you what they are....boo yah!

off to the windy city!

tomorrow morning i leave for chicago!!! i'm soooo excited!! we're flying...and although i'm excited about that...i'm also a little sad! i loooove a car trip! being able to throw things in the trunk at the last minute (extra sweater, shoes, book...whatever), singing at the top of your lungs on your way to where ever you're going and great conversation with friends is something that i will definitely miss on our 45 minute flight...lol!! i've never been to chicago before...well, i've been to the city for dinner, but i've never actually spent time there. i'm very excited to see things that i've heard people talk about so much and hope we do some sort of historical tour! i love stuff like that!! and i'll have to stop and look at all the historical marker signs while we're walking around :) soooo....that's my big news! i'll be back in town on sunday and will blog about all the city fun that i've had :)

blonde moment!

okay...so, i'm going to tell on myself here...just because it's funny and i can take it ;) we have emergency drills at work and when a drill is happening if i'm at the front desk i'm responsible for making whatever overhead announcement is necessary...so, here's the funny stuff....
we had a tornado drill today and someone called me from the PT room to let me know that they had just seen "a big black funnel cloud". i was sooo excited to see an actual funnel cloud that i yelled "SHUT UP!!! Where?!?!" into the phone...lol! the person on the other line immediately started cracking up and i realized that it was a drill and i needed to make the announcement and not go funnel cloud hunting!!!

bloggity blog

i have to laugh at how God works sometimes. i was on my way to my blog to talk about (complain) about how i feel so far away from him right now, when i read my previous post and the scripture(s) with it and realized that we're not far away from each other at all! He's right here with me and he loves me and that's more than enough for me :) in the Bible God talks about "remembering" things alot and that's part of the reason i think journaling is so important. i remember we've already had this conversation and i don't need to go through all of it again because i've been there and i don't want to go back! he's already proven himself faithful in this, so there's no reason to doubt or worry or fret or get all crazy about it :)

Speaking of "more than enough for me"...that's a phrase that's really been working me over lately. It's in the song Healer and every time I sing it my heart is being opened more and more to the fact that God truly is more than enough for me. Not almost or just barely, but overflowingly, unable to hold it all in enough for me! That means change for me...changes in my expecations of other people and things because people and things will never ever be more than enough for me, but he will!!!

See Tam...I blog once in a loooong while! <3

a public declaration...

How many times will I submit myself to your lies? To your words that flood over me and overwhelm me with insecurity and fear. How many times will I sing words to songs that I obviously don't believe as I let you...you control a part of me that you are not worthy of. You are not worthy of any part of me. Yet, I listen to your whispers....telling me to bottle it up, don't let Him know. Your failures, your fears, your insecurities...you'll only be mocked or made to feel like less than who you are. Protect yourself. Hide yourself...don't show your true self...what if...what if you're not loved? What if you're not liked? What if they don't think you're pretty enough or good enough? What if...what if...what if...what if....
I'm tired of the what if's!! I've had it with them....
I am chosen. I am loved. I am secure in that love. The One who loves me gave His all for me....what more could I ask of him? How much more would He need to do to prove His love? Nothing...absolutely nothing and I'd be a fool to ask Him to do anymore. So, no more of your lies...no more of believing that I am anything less than a daughter of the Most High God. Redeemed and bought with a price. Unworthy because of who I am, but worthy because of His sacrifice. My faults and failures are covered in His blood...covered in His love and they no longer leave a stain on who I am. I am being transformed...becoming new...and God loves me! He is for me. He is for me!!
God- help me to listen to you....let your voice be the loudest in my ears and in my heart. Help me believe what you say, what you've said in your word and to bring my whole self to you in everything. My hurts, my heartaches, my irrationalism, my broken pieces... everything! You created me, you love me and you are my healer, my Savior, my Lord and I give myself to you.

Psalm 13:5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

Psalm 16
1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

stuck in the middle....and Lush....and other stuff....

Sitting in my car driving home I noticed that to my left there were storm clouds with lightening bouncing back and forth between the clouds. To my right was a clear sky and a waxing moon. It was really cool to see completely opposite things depending on which way I turned my head. Of course...I looked mostly in front of me so I didn't run into anything!

Christie and I went to the Lush store for a party last Saturday. We were entered into a drawing and I won!!! I never win anything! I'm very excited about it!!! I went to pick up my prize on Tuesday night and I got Almond and Coconut Smoothie (shower, I don't know....shower stuff... not gel, but you use it in the shower...did I mention it's for the shower? Actually, I used it to shave today...in the shower...and it worked very nicely) and some stuff called Big Calm (this is like a jellie and you keep it in the fridge or freezer and then use it in the shower... I'm a bit weirded out by it. Have not used it yet...not sure when I will.) and last but not least a bath melt called Candy Bar....it smells deliciuos and I'm excited to use it!! If you've never checked out Lush, you should...it's like a little piece of heaven full of delicious smelling, all natural, soaps, bath bombs/melts/bars/bubbles, shampoos, conditioners and lotions. It's definitely good times!
We also went to Build a Bear and built bears :) That is totally one of my favorite things to do!! I made my bear for Kelly to take to England with her and Christie helped me come up with the name "Loo" for him. He's dressed in a soccer uniform because it was the only thing that said USA on it in the whole store....also "football" is really big in England, so it will be a good in for her ;) Christie made a bear too and named him Mr. Bear....but I think she's changing it to Sparky. He's dressed in a Tiger uniform and can be seen this Sunday on the Creative Arts table helping us sell tickets to the game on September 10th! It was a very fun day!!! :)

I'm listening to a podcast Bible study on Song of Solomon right now and it's really good. I found out about it when we went to Willow and looked it up. If you're interested, you can find it on itunes by doing a search for church of Wrigleyville. I've never heard a teaching on that book, so I was fascinated to hear what they taught from it. It's really opened my eyes...I've read SOS before, but there's stuff that they've said that I've never known before. Like...did you know that some of it is a dream being described? Did you know that the woman in the story is insecure in her beauty? Did you know that back in the day saying a woman's hair flowed like a herd of goats coming down a mountain was a compliment? Anyway...it's good stuff...and I'm learning alot about the book, about myself, and about God. I mean...he speaks to us in our insecurities through this amazing love story.

That's all I have to say for now...

Would you...

*I've been made fun of for not posting as much as some people want me to...so, here's a repeat. You've probably never seen it before...so it's new to you*

Would you follow a god because he feeds you? Would that be enough? Would you follow a god because he scares you? Is that what you want? Would you follow a god because everyone else does? Do you have no confidence to make your own decisions? Would you follow a God that loves you? A God who pursues you? A God that never stops whispering your name? A God that gave everything for you and is still giving as we make our demands in our disbelief? Would you follow a God who never gives up on you? Who so intimately knows you and still longs to be with you? Would you follow that God? Would you follow God?

It's not about you....

...and it's not about me. So many times we offer our help to a person or a situation and then when it doesn't turn out the way we want it to, when we don't get the job or maybe the appreciation that we expected, we turn and run. That's not what it's about though!! It's not about what you or I can get from a person we've offered our aid to, but what we can give to that person. It's not about warm fuzzies or doing the easy work, it's about truly being a good friend...stepping up and getting messy in the thick of life with others and doing it willingly and cheerfully! We live like we want our lives to be all me all the time, but we know that's not right. We know that's when we feel the worst, the most empty and the most alone. So, live to help others and be genuine in your offers :)

a little piece of heaven

Today Jack Joseph Alberts was born. He was 8 pounds, 7.6 ounces and 19.5 inches long. He's adorable...seriously! Mom and dad are doing well and daddy was even brave enough to watch baby Jack being delivered during the c-section. He said it was both weird and amazing to watch. They were definitely surrounded by love as family and close friends came to the hospital to meet (and hold) baby Jack for the very first time. I think I only heard him cry once in the whole time that I was up there and he loves to suck his thumb...it's sooo cute!!! The hospital room is very small, which is unfortunate since Adam and Christa are so very popular, but the staff were really considerate and brought as many chairs as they could find to the room for people to sit in...it still wasn't enough, so we also took shifts in the waiting room. I really do think that babies are a little piece of heaven. I remember feeling that way about Emma, too, it's for sure a time that I felt God's presence in an amazing way. Maybe it's because you truly have to marvel at the miracle of this little human being that was in someone's belly just a little bit ago and is now on the outside, and perfect in everyway. Maybe it's because God reveals Himself in those moments...or maybe it's because babies really do bring a bit of heaven to us. I'm so glad that everyone is happy and healthy and that Jack's finally here!!! The only thing missing was Julie....

Disposable?

We live in a disposable society. Everything, from the cleaning wipes for the bathroom to shoes you got on sale for 5 bucks and are only going to wear for a season to relationships. Friendships, marriages, whatever....having problems? Can't get along? Didn't realize that you're just not compatible? No problem....just toss it aside. Remember when things used to actually have meaning? Remember when forever meant forever? Remember when people kept their promises? Remember when people had disagreements, but at the end of the day still knew that they loved each other and had faith enough in each other to continue their relationship? To give their love another chance? To know that love is love even when you don't "feel" it? To know that it's more than a feeling, it's actually an action? It breaks my heart to see so many couples who make it to the "it's too hard" stage and give up. Or when one gives up and the other person is left there holding onto...well, in the end they're holding on to nothing. Nobody promises marriage or relationships or any sort of dealing with people will be easy, but when you make a commitment to someone it should mean something...otherwise, why are you doing it to begin with? I pray for people that will be an example to this generation of a family that stays together no matter what. That shows that even though it's not always easy, and there will be rough times, it IS possible to have a Godly, loving marriage where both people are loved and respected by each other. God, rebuild your family. Restore your children to a place where we can build each other up and support each other. Help us to honor one another and to realize that friendships, families, marriages....none of these things are disposable, but so very important.

going public...

Okay...so I won't guarantee how often I'll update this, but I'm going public :) I'll try to post more often than not and may cheat by posting things from an old, old blog of mine....sooooooo...
*WELCOME TO MY BLOG*

sometimes...

You know how sometimes you listen to a sermon or a podcast or read a book and what is being said applies to you, but you feel like you're doing okay with whatever's being talked about. Like you've got whatever he's saying down already (as if!). So you listen and nod at the right moments and laugh at the silly stories that the preacher man is telling to draw a parallel to whatever gospel truth he's presenting at the time. And you're almost there...you've almost made it through the whole thing and you've agreed with all that he's said and you're feeling pretty good about yourself and he's about to pray. And then...it happens. That man, the one delivering God's truth to you at the moment...well, he rocks your world by saying "If you're not seeking the Kingdom first, then you're not seeking the Kingdom at all". And suddenly your "Godly" ego deflates, your I'm a Good Christian button loses it's gleam and your soul...your soul immediately cries out for forgiveness. Think about that and the simple truth that is in that statement. If you're not seeking the Kingdom first, then you can't be seeking it at all. More than likely (in my case for instance) it means that I'm seeking my own will and desires first, before God's. It basically means that I think of myself, my plans, and my own wants as more important than God's plans or desires for my life...and not just my life, but for the lives of the people that I interact with daily. If I'm truly seeking His Kingdom first, wouldn't I be a more loving, compassionate, generous person...caring less about what others think about me and being who God wants me to be no matter what? Wouldn't people notice more of a difference in me? Wouldn't they see a true representation of the people that God calls his church to be? That's my prayer...to truly seek God's Kingdom first...not mine, not my culture's, but
God's...because if I'm not then what I do isn't really worth much of anything....

perfect

Tonight I sat under a vast expanse of the night sky and looked at your creation. The stars seemed to be alive against their dark backdrop. The clouds slowly crept in. The sounds of this part of the world settling in for an evening of rest. I let my soul pick the song to sing...it was You are so Beautiful to Me. I actually began singing it when I stepped out of my car and looked up, and continued to have it in my head as I lay on the patio thinking of how amazing you are and how amazing the things you do are. I laid open my heart to you and in a place of contenment told you how wonderful I think you are. Holy, pure, just, loving, merciful Lord and friend. Creative and amazing...I will never cease to be fascinated by what you have created, by how you reveal yourself to me time and time again....in nature, in your people, in my family and the friends that you have placed in my life...each telling a story of you. Of your design and passion and creativity. All I have to do is look closely enough to see it and I will.

why can't i have that?

Okay, so I know....I know lots of stuff. I know that all things work to the good of all those that love God. I know that God has plans for my life and he knows what they are...I just don't know what they are and sometimes that can be frustrating! It's just that lately I've had this intense longing for a family of my own. I look around and all these people that are my age are married and starting (or well into starting) their own families and I want that. I really do....I know it's not easy and I know that maybe sometimes they're as jealous of me as I am of them, but that's what I want....it's what I desire and I have to admit that I don't see it happening any time soon. I'm not trying to be a downer about it and I do believe that God will give me the desires of my heart and that his timing is perfect, but I have to admit that I want it sooner than later and sometimes I really want to act like a 2 year old and stomp my feet and yell about how unfair it all is! I would, too, but I know it won't get me anywhere and maybe it is fair...at least my options are still open, there's alot of things that I can do that people with families and more responsibilities than I can't do. So, I will do my best to take full advantage of my singleness while I have it and know that the one that God has for me is somewhere near and that (hopefully) I will have a little family of my own to love and care for and until then, I will love and care for the children that are already in my life!!!

????

Find out who you are & do it on purpose...when you strip away everyone else's expectations of you, who are you? Do you even know? Have you lost yourself and you don't even know it??